For the second night in a row, in the wee hours of the morning, I stood by his bedside looking at him and wondering how he could continue to survive even if just because of the position he’s in. The nurse had assured me that with his torso propped up and his head lying back as though looking through half-closed lids at where the wall touches the ceiling on the other side of the room is not only the most effecient for his breathing but is probably the most comfortable as well. My fixation is probably from my own experiences of trying to be comfortable while simply lying on my back. Since I’m one of those tummy or side sleepers, I’m seldom comfortable for more than five minutes flat on my back. So, my urge to turn him over in an effort to do something, anything, while I stand helplessly at his side in the unusual quiet of our house while everyone sleeps.

Stevie continues to be the stalwart in this situation as her dad lies wasting away while waiting for angels to come and lift him up, as I’m sure they will. I, on the other hand, am constantly visited by reminders of experiences long past. Memories of my own father become very vivid as I think of things I don’t remember ever thinking about before. I remember the sound of his breathing as he lay in a hospital room as I sat with him, pressing my face to his hand. Nobody else was there and I wished so much that I could talk with him, as we had never talked before. He died several hours later without waking. I was twenty and until this moment I’d seen my dad only once since I had enlisted in the Navy when I was seventeen. Stevie’s dad has had numerous instances where her love has been demonstrated. I don’t recall ever telling my dad I loved him.

Other memories come flooding over me as I sit in his room in the quietness of night, memories I’d just as soon put off. But they come in waves and it’s not Pepe I’m thinking of as I sit by his bed. He’s secure in his waiting, and I know that I will see him again when I go to join all those who know Jesus. But for now, I hold back tears and tell him good night, imagining he hears me, and go off to bed on the off-chance I might find sleep before daylight begins a new day.

God bless those who pray for us during this time.

A loving husband and son-in-law…

Thanks for the tips on living. You said so many right things. Things I need to live by. Handling stress being the main thing I need to do better.

God bless.